Monday, June 29, 2009

Gay Men And Republicans Reportedly Eat And Drink In Same House; Dancing Could Have Been Involved, Too

I'm in Vegas visiting my Republican girlfriend. I've known her for twenty-two years, so I figure if I was going to infest her with any dirty liberal germs, I would have done so by now. You know, the kind of germs that would threaten the entire institution of marriage (worldwide) or open up our borders to octobillions of government-tit-sucking Mexicans who already threaten the closure of the entire US hospital system by crowding our emergency rooms with riot-level frenzy (rather than the sleepy torpor that is usually assigned to them) and who will steal all of your children's menial-labor jobs (and my children's jobs, if I wasn't such a mortal-sinning birth-control-taking baby slayer) and whose wives (working as our maids for cash under the table) will steal our heirloom Lladro figurines and take minute scoops out of our $75 face cream jars (you know, over time, it adds up!!) and... let's see... what other cataclysmic thing do the Repubs want to make the American public think we nasty liberals will perpetrate upon them... the entire destruction of the happy-go-lucky, corporate-run, free-market, plastic Shangri-La in which we live right now?

I even slept with my girlfriend. Uh-huh. Yes I dih-id. OK, well, but nothing interesting happened. Otherwise, I'd be blackmailing her right now. In addition to the blackmailing I've already been doing - about that trip to Greece. (She thought I gave her all the negatives.)

Anyway, I helped her celebrate her 60th birthday Friday night. It was me, two gay guys and 75 Republicans. How did I know about the gay guys? Wey-uhl... When my girlfriend was getting roasted, the roaster mentioned how sad it was when my girlfriend lost her political race to a Democrat (Isn't that the damndest thing?). On the word "Democrat," the entire crowd moaned, "Boooooooo!" and I piped in with an elated, "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" Suddenly, very suddenly, the Boooooos stopped. There were a few shocked "Ohhs!" ...then silence. Except for two voices still going Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Mine, and a snappily dressed fellow over at the bar. Later, he found me in the crowd and said, "It was me over there saying Yay! along with you. When I heard you, I just couldn't help myself!"

Always been a trend setter. That's just me. Leave it to me to yell "Michael Jackson!" in a KKK BBQ. Hey, it makes me a popular party invite, if you are just dying to stir up some shit.

I did meet some nice people. Like the craps dealer with a PhD who brought his 87-year-old Dad with him to the party. My friend had already told me about how she met him when she was going door to door during her campaign. He and his dad have been big fans of her ever since. She told me he is brilliant, and he definitely is. (But I just cannot, for the life of me, understand how a PhD can watch Fox news. I just can't. But, that's just me.) He and I and his dad stood outside to share a smoke and we had a great time. He agreed with me that American traditional media was useless. He also agreed that it's a good idea to read and watch an array of news outlets, so you can try and find the truth buried somewhere down under all the fluff and bullshit. I was happy to know that he reads/watches the Guardian UK, MSNBC and CNN in addition to Faux News. I mentioned how amazing Al Jazeera is, and he stunned me when he said he has watched Al Jazeera online. So few Americans a) know how to do that and b) would even bother watching it if they did know how to find it. He said he felt it was too biased. More biased than Faux News? Anyway, it was a friendly and stimulating conversation and I look forward to changing his mind more.

Here are some things I observed about Republicans at close range...

I don't know if it was because I was in Vegas, but there were a good many men at the party who had cemented pompadores just like Silvio Dante in The Sopranos.

Every conversation I walked by was political. (At least they're paying attention? Or are they just whining?)

Republicans show up for a party either early, or right on time. And we were not ready. Not by a long shot. I have always liked to be on time for parties. But from now on, I think I'll be late.

Republican men are just as bad at dancing as Democrats. I, on the other hand, danced alone, like I have for most of my life. I love music and I love to dance and I don't wait around for some guy to ask me to dance so I can gain access to the dance floor. And as soon as I got up there and started jumping around, my girlfriend said with slight dismay, "You're not dancing alone, are you?" "Yes, I ammmm!" She, and a phalanx of other women, rushed to surround me and dance too, as if they were protecting me from the fact that the last time I'd visited the "powder room," I'd accidently tucked the back of my dress into my pantyhose. Now that I'd started a trend, all the other women crowded onto the dance floor, and we had a... gay old time. But after a while, they all drifted away. It could have been all the staring that was going on. I'm just assuming that was the case. I wouldn't know, because I had my eyes closed.

Suddenly, a man also felt the need to save me from my lonely Snoopy dance. He took both my hands and we began to do something, but I'm not sure what. This happens to me ALL THE TIME. Men try to lead, and I refuse to follow. It's not spiteful. (I just don't want to follow any men. Anywhere. Ever. Again.) After all, one dangerous dip n' swirl can lead to illegitimate children and heroine addiction, at least. Or maybe me dancing with a man doesn't work because I never color inside the boxes. If there are two beats and my partner takes two steps, I'm taking eight. There's just a lot of extra foot and hand work on my side of the sweaty divide. So, I said the SAME THING I ALWAYS SAY, "I'm sorry, I've just never been good at letting the man lead." (because, of course, it's ALL my fault.) He said, "I know. I'm just trying to be a gentleman."

I certainly hope he didn't hurt himself trying.

The next morning, while my girlfriend, her daughter and son-in-law and I were holding our heads, counting empty bottles and watching ants carry off half-eaten sushi and ham sandwiches, the son-in-law said, "Was I imagining things or were there a couple of gay guys at the party?" I said, "Yes there were, sonny boy, but as long as they don't want to get married, they're welcome here." (I didn't really say sonny boy. It just sounded like it should be in there.) My girlfriend's daughter said, "Oh, so you've obviously met my mom." hehe. Yes, I have.

And I still love her, even if she's severely misinformed.

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