Friday, May 8, 2009

Welcome To Shangri-La

I've been reading about these red states that are considering succession, and have been amused at some writers who talk about what the residents of those states would be losing if they disconnected from federal aid. Then I read about the fact that Faux News is the "bright light" of Rupert Murdoch's empire and how it commands the best TV ratings over CNN and other "real" news networks. This, of course, saddens me. The fact that so many Americans actually watch that shit. Regularly. got me to thinking...

What if everyone who faithfully watches Faux News got their way and got rid of all the socialists, liberals and other bad people like us in America. What if America became a country dominated by Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly fans? What would it be like?

Well, first of all, there would be no Mexicans. Not even naturalized American Mexicans. Because, you know, we don't want any of that stinkin' swine flu that those wetbacks brought to America because they lived next to American factory farms. You see, because studies have shown, and US health authorities have declared, that overcrowding of factory pig farms have increased swine flu. So, the good ol' American capitalists, fearful of the dreaded business-killing regulations, moved their overcrowded pig farms to Mexico, where the laws are lax or nonexistent, and where they can have rivers of pig urine and feces a-flowin', unregulated. The first child to get swine flu in Mexico during this latest bout lived near an American pig factory owned by Smithfield Foods. I liked the subtle comment made by elevator on the article I just linked to: "A major corporation using the 3rd world as their own private dump? No one saw that coming."

So, in Limbaugh-O'Reilly land, there won't be any Mexicans living here, nor will any Mexicans be allowed to enter the U.S. Only white anglo-saxon Americans can come and go between the two countries, because somebody from the ruling class must go and make sure that those ignorant Mexicans aren't stealing anything down there in the pig swill.

I'm not sure what happens if a white anglo-saxon person falls in love with a Mexican and gets married and has kids. There will have to be laws about that, I'm sure. I also don't know who will work in the service sector, like maids in hotels or ditch diggers or construction workers or potato pickers or lawn cutters or house cleaners. If no migrant labor is allowed, I guess the children of the white anglo-saxon ruling class will have to take those jobs. Good luck on that one.

Then, all the black people will have to go. I don't know where, but they'll just have to go. Because they are responsible for all the crime in the U.S. dontcha know. And those welfare jail birds breed like... Mexicans. So, they've got to be banned. This will happily result in the disappearance of hip-hop music and Michael Steele. This will please the KKK people, including Limbaugh and O'Reilly. It will also get the Obamas out of the White House, which is a very good thing because the White House chefs are very tired of cooking chitlins in watermelon sauce and the White House gardeners are tired of tending Michelle's organic collard greens and arugula garden and well, hell, having little black kids running through the hallowed halls of the White House is beyond the pale, so to speak.

Arugula, and putting mustard on burgers, will be banned too.

Next, all gay people absolutely, positively must go. They'll all be deported to Sweden, including Larry Craig and all those those log cabin Republicans.

And because America is a Christian nation, all non-Christians will have to leave as well. This is a little sticky. Which kind of Christianity is acceptable? That will be the question of the hour. But there are also many Christians in America who actually like Obama and who allow gay people in their churches and who support gay marriage. There will have to be a McCarthy-like commission that decides who is a real Christian, and who is not. Since all the black, Mexican and gay Christians will already be gone, this will simplify matters a bit. Jews will be allowed to stay, but only if they are members of AIPAC. Because, you see, the Christians tolerate the Jews temporarily, because they know that if they fund the Israelis to wage war against Syria and Iran, then the Middle East will soon be leveled, all those brown people will be killed and the Christians can finally take over the "Holy Lands" as it is written in the "Holy Bible." And Dick Cheney and Halliburton and Osama Bin Laden and the Bush family will finally own all the Middle East oil.

The fact that Jesus was a brown person from the Middle East will be surpressed, just like it is now.

All poor people will have to go too. And people who lose their jobs. Welfare and unemployment will be abolished. So, if you lose your job, too fucking bad, just get out. Go to Mexico and live with the pigs. As a matter of fact, the entire prison industry will move to Mexico, where they can do whatever they want to prisoners, including overcrowding them in cells, just like the pigs. Torture will be OK, too. And anyone who Limbaugh or O'Reilly don't like, well Limbo-Reilly will just torture a false confession from the prisoners in Mexico to incriminate the malcontents so they can be arrested and sent to Mexico too.

But who will fight all the wars that O'Reilly and Limbaugh will start, in order to rpove they have big dicks? I guess we'll conscript the prisoners in the Mexican jails. But they can't live or train in pristine America, so Blackwater will set up their training facilities in Mexico. Blackwater will become the American army, navy, marine corps and air force. Uh-oh. Are all those Mexicans and black people smart enough to fly planes and navigate ships? Hmmm. We'll need to have a lot of smart anglo-saxon white people doing the brainy stuff. But they'll be tainted from hanging out with all those Mexicans and black people, so they can't live in America either. And the gays are too gay to be in the military, so no problems there.

Prostitutes will be allowed to stay in America. As long as they're white. No more Mexican or Asian trim, boys. So sorry. But, shhh. Don't tell anyone. All those white Christians need an outlet for their sinning ways. After all, they'll need something to confess from time to time. And O'Reilly will need somebody to stick a vibrator up his ass, surely.

Women. What will we do with all those mouthy women? Well, with all the gays and non-Christians gone, the women who will be left will be much more pliable and obedient, like Michelle Malkin and Anne Coulter. Limbaugh will pass a law that Michelle Malkin must always wear her cheerleading costume and O'Reilly will spank Anne Coulter on TeeVee each week, just for kicks. All the rest of the women must dress like the Mormon polygamists and wear their hair in braids so they can be pulled around a lot. The Mormons will probably be gone too, along with the Catholics, so the women will have to look at pictures supplied by their husbands to get the costume right. The filthy internet will be banned, so the ladies won't be able to research their costumes. And libraries will be gone, because they are state funded and that's Socialist. There were way too many books to begin with. Books are a big problem. Sorry, Anne Coulter. You were a useful mouthpiece of the good ol' boys club when they needed you, but now it's time to shut the fuck up and do as your husband tells you. Oh, you don't have a husband? Then you can be a secret prostitute, if you're lucky.

Medicare will be stopped, as well as social security, since both are Socialist evils. So, when you're old or sick-and-old, you'll just have to die. OK? Medical care will only be available for the rich. But that's OK, because all the poor people, Mexicans who are currently crowding our emergency rooms (causing white people to die on a daily basis from lack of access to medical care) and people who lose their jobs will be in Mexico.

I don't even have to mention the Muslims, because they'll all be killed, and fed to the pigs.

Mexico is going to be a very crowded place. It will be a gay, criminal, indolent, infidel pig farm.

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