Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Exclusive: Riot Police Ready For Young Republican Unrest After Elections

I don't want to unfairly place the spotlight on one segment of our society, but somebody has to say what most people are just too darned afraid to say. And that brave somebody is, well, me.

It's about all those Biffs and Bryces, Jessicas and Jennifers out there in middle to upper class land, who are quietly seething underneath their cabled wool sweaters and white oxford cloth shirts. You all know who I'm talking about, those agitators, those sons and daughters of mostly white people, who are angry, underneath their bow ties and please-don't-CFM low-heeled pumps. They're angry about how marginalized they are. How they are so often discriminated against. How many jobs they lose every day to affirmative action. How difficult their parent-funded lives are. This gang, known as the Young Republicans, may sound effete, maybe even girly-manish, but in truth, one small event, like McCain's loss of the upcoming election, could unleash a violent torrent of unused sexual energy, and send them into a rage that could precipitate a cataclysmic end to peace as we know it.

If you're not afraid, then you darn well should be. Because if their hero John McCain doesn't win this election, these Young Hooligans, these Commandos of a war they'll never have to fight directly, these Commandos who would never be caught dead going commando, will take to the streets, by golly, and run about in their penny loafers. In deep solidarity they will march (hope somebody brings some bandaids!), raising their French manicured fists, their pasty white hairy knuckled fat fingered man hands high into the air, as their Righteous Republican voices shout Gosh Darnit! with all the spoiled brat rage they can muster. They might even use their Blackberries so much, texting such things as "All our voter caging efforts for naught!" and calling each other to cry off their Lancome mascara, that the whole cellular infrastructure will collapse.

It will be, well, a riot. I don't know about you, but I think they could do some serious damage.

And I hope their white socks don't get dirty.

If they are at all worried about getting soiled though (riots can be so icky!), they can send their illegal immigrant gardener or maid ("don't ask, don't tell" is the unofficial Republican immigration policy) into the foray as their proxies, while they gather at Starbucks to drown their sorrows in a Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino® Blended Crème (accent not mine). Whether they join their fellow bank-bailing socialists on the filthy streets to fight against the dawn of Obama's communist, baby killing, whale coddling era, or they meet in the vaunted golden high rises of their bank-owning daddies to plan for victory in 2012, they will make themselves known. "Whatever it takes!" they always say, "Just Git 'er Done!"

But seriously, you don't have to be afraid this coming election day. Our brave police state has been thinking ahead, as they are wont to do. Cities across the nation have the situation under control. They are doubling up their police presence, so that they can patrol America's streets on election day, to make sure that all the poor voters, the black voters, the Hispanic voters, the voters with foreclosed homes, the know, all those Democrats...will feel safe while they stand in line at the local high school or town hall. That's what they'll be doing, yeah.

I applaud their efforts, these peace keepers dressed in black boots and riot gear, and their incredible courage. They will somehow pull off the impossible task of protecting people, all the while actually looking like they plan to arrest or kill them! And I also want to commend them on their boldness in coming straight out in the press and saying what only I have had the balls to say, that there's just one group of people we should all be afraid of on election day. Joe The Officer, that fearless symbol of something or other, will face the fearsome, fuming crowd of Young Republicans, with the kid gloves they so deserve.

I sure do feel safe, now. Don't you?

(My thanks to digby over at Hullabaloo for alerting me to this great news.)

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