Saturday, April 19, 2008

Awesome Speech, Pope

Later, in the oval office...

  • "Hey Pope, pull up a chair. Ya know, I was really rootin' for ya in that whole pedophile mess. Gotta keep your boys in check, is what I always say. Or, at least, make sure nobody gets wind of anything. But sometimes, word gets out and KABAM! That liberal, commie, dirty hippie press - what's left of 'em...hehe - goes wacko!"
  • "Uh..."
  • "And besides, how 'bout them altar boys? I mean, being so young 'n fresh, apple-cheeked, and wearing a dress. Askin' for it, ya know? There should be a law about that! Hmmmm. I better talk to my advisers about gettin' a law like that. No dress wearing allowed for congressional aides!"
  • "Erm..."
  • "But let's skip the details. Waddaya wanna do, Pope? Should we order pizza? I can call ya Pope, right? Karl Rove asked me not to call ya Popester. I think he's still pissed about me calling him Turd Blossom. Anyway - Wanna see my top secret collection of great torture pictures that never made it into the papers? I know you ex-Nazis can't resist that stuff. hehe."
  • "I think, Herr President, I must, ah, go now und meet mit some people..."
  • "Aww, come on now, Popey. I thought we could spend some time together! You know, do a little hang time. It gets pretty lonely here up at the top of the world. I figured since you head up your very own country, since you're sorta The Decider too, that we'd have a lot in common. I was even thinkin' I'd let you play my very own Private Army game! It's fun! I mean, if you stay and all, I'll even get you your very own Private Army. I just have to call my special friend Erik Prince and BOFFO! you can have your very own Private Army too! They're all good Christian boys. No Catholics, of course, but you won't mind when you see them all decked out in their war gear. They kick ass! It doesn't cost that much either. A couple billion transferred from your top secret Vatican accounts should take care of it. Hey, don't be a cheapskate. You got all that fancy artwork you can sell. Who is it, uh, it's right on the tip of my tongue, uh. God damn! I should've studied more in that artsy fartsy class..."
  • "President Bush, I would appreciate it if you could refrain from taking the Lord's..."
  • "Michael Angelo! That's it! How could I forget? Boy, that guy was really into naked, muscular men. I've been wonderin' about that for years. You reckon he was gay? This is my big chance to ask you. I swear I'll never tell a soul. Well, maybe Karl Rove 'cause he told me I had to tell him everything, no matter what. But...waddaya think?"
  • (Pope frantically texts his Number 2 guy: "Call me! Get me outa here!")
  • "Whatcha got there, Pope? That's one of them strawberry things, isn't it? My people were usin' those things to have their illegal, secret political communications. That's a no-no according to some stupid law. But we got around it. We did a lot of hand wringin' - 'Oh! We LOST all those emails! Oops!' That shut everybuddy up. Hey, I didn't know you Romans had technology. I figured you were still usin' them stool pigeons, or, no, that's not right, romin' pigeons?"
  • "I believe you mean homing pigeons?"
  • "Yes! Hey, I may be backward, but I know you people are still using smoke signals, buddy. I saw it on Fox News. Hey Pope-a-Dope, I was beginnin' to wonder if you ever talk! Here I am, doin' all the talkin'. Takin' up the slack. Story of my life. I mean, you can let your hair down with me. I swear. What goes on in Washington, stays in Washington, ya know? hehe Well, unless of course you're Valerie Plame. But that bitch and her mouthy husband had it comin'."
  • RING! (Pope answers his cell phone and mumbles in Latin, "It's about freakin' time.") "Yes, Monsignor Goebbels? Oh! I lost track of time. Yes, please come in. We're, um, just about finished here."
  • "Aw, Pope. I sure wish you could stay longer. Me and the wife sure are disappointed you won't be here for the big dinner we're throwin' for ya. They're cookin' my favorite meatloaf. Oh, and there'll be all kinds of important people there. Lotsa people with connections in Israel and all. You could use some o' them, right? hehe For later, when you're out of office?"
  • "Danke schoen, mein Herr. But I'm afraid I haf ein oder engagement."
  • "Ah! Ya got a hot date, huh? Well, ok. Maybe I can come see ya at your house some time?"
  • "Uh, why of course, Mr. President. Haf your people call my people. Unfortunately, we haven't had time today to discuss some of the pressing problems of the world."
  • "Ahh, no sweatski, Popeski. My people have a joint statement all prepared. And ya know, we did cover most of that junk. Like the gays and pedophiles. We talked about the Israelis - they're the only ones worth talkin' about when we cover the Middle East. Man, what a mess that place is, phew! Then you agreed with me that private armies are a gas and that you probably want one of your own. I wrote down a task to get you together with Erik Prince. Hey, don't look surprised! I am a great listener, let me tell you. My mind's like a freakin' sieve! Everybody tells me that. Anyway, we didn't talk about any Mexicans but I know you like 'em and I like 'em too, so we're bros in that area. And we talked about torture and you liked the idea. I saw ya! When I said I could show you some photos, your bushy - hey that's funny - bushy! - eyebrows shot right up."
  • "Holy Father?"
  • "Uh...yes Monsignor Goebbels?"
  • "The Popemobile is being ticketed outside."
  • (Pope and Bush stand up. Bush slaps the Pope on his back.)
  • "Hey, Popester! It was great that you stopped by. You're welcome any time. Mi casa es tu casa, amigo! Great talkin' atcha. Next time, don't be so shy! And we'll have that pizza when I come over to your place. I like pineapple on mine!"


Hungry Mother said...

I didn't know you Frenchies were so funny. It's all pretty sad stuff, but your account is very creative. Thanks for the laugh.

Omyword! said...

Ahh...if I were a Frenchie, I wouldn't be embarrassing myself every time I go to the grocery store and mumble in my high school French.

But thanks for the compliment. :-)

Richard said...

Ok, you've almost got the Bush thing down. You left out Vonpopeenstien, the popenator and popeoramadingdong.


Omyword! said...

Rich - you make me laugh out loud. Popeoramadingdong. oh my oh my.

Hey, you inspired me with your own fly-on-the-wall fictitious oval office convos.

Richard said...

Who says they're fictitious?

Mauigirl said...

Great, at least I hope it was a send-up. Actually, I can imagine that their real conversation probably went very much like this...