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Friday, March 21, 2008

Let The Beatings Begin: Fantasy Dominatrix

My first Internet job was working for one of the first online fantasy sports providers. I knew a lot about fantasy, but sports? Not so much. So they hired me to run their financial game channel, since I knew so much about investing and such. (Not so much.) I guess I was hired because I was a brainy girl, versus a brawny girl.

The boys were kind to me, considering. They spoke a foreign language - about Hail Marys and goal line stands, touch down conversions. It sounded vaguely religious to me, something I could dress up in my nun outfit for. They discouraged me from actual costuming, but allowed me to turn my cubicle into an (anti-)religious shrine. I had Nuns 'n Roses Christmas lights strung along the tops of my bookcase and cubicle walls. I had skeleton virgins and virgins in drag and black plastic Jesus's cavorting with sheep. I had a nun puppet who spoke for me in meetings. It got so religious that the boys started bringing in presents for me to add to my collection. I still have the copper rubbing that Taz did of the virgin and child when he was in 4th grade.

It was what I would refer to as "Back In The Day." When guys actually formed fantasy baseball or football leagues and met on Saturdays at somebody's house and manually tabulated all of the player stats to determine whose fantasy team was beating whom. Fascinating. It was before any of this was automated. Now, because of automation, nobody actually gets together anymore. Nobody tosses chips and salsa in chipped bowls and drags out a six-pack of beer or soda to throw on the packing crate "coffee table" in dirty-laundry-strewn man-boy apartments. No. They sit, alone, at their computers now, at home or at work, and text or chat all their insults to their fantasy team rivals. I don't know why this is better than meeting face to face, I mean, nobody was required to bathe then either.



Now, from what I understand, riding out your fantasy is now easier than ever, with sophisticated software that manages everything. Fantasy Sports Prophet's Fantasy Baseball software, for instance, can be the difference between hitting a home run or painting a big "L" on your forehead. Here's why:

  1. It's Web-based – you can access it from anywhere (probably even jail)
  2. Player rankings are based on Predictive Modeling by PhD scientists (man, imagine working to get that degree and then designing fantasy sports games?)
  3. It has the most advanced Draft assistance tool - all the data needed to make the right decision about any player (Do those PhDs also predict the probability of that player being sued for paternity or getting arrested for pet gambling? This might be a helpful feature.)
  4. Full season roster management including updated mid-season projections via artificial intelligence (If you are artificially intelligent, can you still play this game?)
  5. All stats, injury reports and major updates available from within the software. (Well, I would certainly hope so!)
Before you start thinking that this fantasy sports thing is a silly whim-like thing, well, just stop thinking that way. You can win mega prizes and cash. Plus, you can gain the prestige associated with being a good picker. And we all want that.

If you want to be a winner, instead of a big smelly loser, you can hop on over to Fantasy Sports Profit and take advantage of the $10 off membership special by using promo code BMC200.

Because, when I am in my nun outfit, fully immersed in my fantasy, trembling for the chance to beat anybody, anybody at all, with a whip in one hand, and my mouse in the other, I don't just win, baybee. I dominate.


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