Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Diesel for President 2020

My pal Diesel (we're not really friends yet, just tentative admirers) did a mathematical calculation (it probably took him a few years and many pencil stubs), and realized that based on the campaign time continuum trajectory (huh?) for the 2008 presidential election, he would have to start campaigning now for the 2020 election. So, he declared his intentions publicly yesterday and told us where he will stand on the issues. as best as he can predict what they will be by then. Here's a little taste:

The War on Terror I am strongly in favor of the War on Terror. In fact, I think the War on Terror should be drastically expanded to include all other unpleasant states of mind, such as Boredom and "the Heebie Jeebies." I don't think we should stop fighting until we are all happy all of the time. But we must stop before we hit Complacency, because the war will be on that too.

He also thinks we should just save all the money we usually spend on campaigning and buy Canada. I think Mexico might be a better deal but I'll take his idea under consideration.

I think Diesel is extremely qualified, with his long tenure as a proud, serving member of the Mattress Police. If he hasn't entered your bedroom and inspected your mattress tags yet, then you aren't worth inspecting. You should move to that Man-Pee- and Dog-Poop-covered Socialist country, France, like I did. (Ahhh. More gratuitous link-backs)

But don't listen to me, some lone blogger, howling my angriness into the Verdant Void. Do your own research by buying his book. (You don't necessarily have to read it, just wave it in front of your forehead and you'll know all. Or put it on your coffee table so your friends will think you have a sense of humor. Or give it to someone who you think may be lacking in a sense of humor.) In the book, Diesel will reveal that he is actually a vegetarian, hippie, smack-shooting, fundamentalist Rastafarian homo. I haven't actually read it, but that's what Rush Limbaugh told me and I believe everything Rush says.

(Disclaimer: This post was not paid for by the Elect Diesel 2020 campaign. I'm just doing this because he makes me laugh every day and that's worth sumthin.)


Diesel said...

I take issue with that vegetarian part.

Thanks for your support!

OMYWORD! said...

ok but I bet you be wearin some tie-dye